Ranking The Films Of Darren Aronofsky

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Let me start off by saying that there is no bad Aronofsky movie. Every movie he’s made can only be described as an experience. So without further ado, here’s Darren Aronofsky’s movies in order from worst to best (in my opinion…which is the correct opinion).

6. Pi (1998)
Pi - 1080
I’ll start this list off with his first film. I know a lot of you are already pissed on the order of this list. ‘Pi’ follows a mathematician and genius Maximillian Cohen (played awesomely by Sean Gullette) as he searches for order in the stock market using his homemade super computer, and ends up searching for the true name of God…because of course that’s what happens. The high contrast black and white (while being necessary due to the low budget of the project) fits perfectly for the movie. The highlight to me is the soundtrack and sound design. From the slow ticking that fills the quiet moments with tension, to the chaotic music that coincided with his breakthroughs. While it’s not a perfect movie, you can see the start of a truly gifted filmmaker.

Oh yea, and he also sticks a pen into a brain that’s sitting on a subway platform.

5. Noah (2014)
Russell Crowe as Noah
We all know the story of Noah: build an ark, get two of every animal, flood, dove with an olive branch…but this version has rock monsters!!!!! Ok, maybe they’re not rock monsters but fallen angels that are supposed to look over mankind…or something like that. Either way they were badass. The fact that Aronofsky made this movie surprised me because we’re all used to seeing him tell smaller, more intimate stories.

Also, rock monsters.
Rock Monsters 1

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4. The Wrestler (2008)
The-Wrestler-2008 - 1080
This movie is really all about Mickey Rourke, or more importantly the performance Aronofksy was able to get out of Mickey Rourke as the aging wrestler. Aronofsky had to fight the studio let him cast Rourke in the lead and it was absolutely worth it. He single handedly brought Rourke’s career back from the dead. And let’s not forget about Marisa Tomei as her performance as his stripper friend is incredible. Also, holy cow how hot is she in this!
The Wrestler Marisa Tomei - Not Nude

3. Black Swan (2010)
Black Swan
This is probably as close to a horror movie that Aronofsky will make, and parts of it are terrifying. Natalie Portman plays a ballerina who gets the lead in Swan Lake. The stress of the being in the lead and the competition from fellow dancer Mila Kunis drives her insane. Like most of his movies this one starts slow and builds to an amazing climax.

2. The Fountain (2006)
The Fountain  - 1080
The Fountain stars Hugh Jackman as a man desperately trying to find the fountain of youth. It takes place in three different time periods and is overall really confusing, but not in a bad way. I saw The Fountain in theaters and when the movie was over and everyone was making their way out I overheard a lot of hate for the movie. I couldn’t believe it, I thought I had just watched one of the best films I’d ever seen. No I didn’t really understand it at first (I’m still not sure if I truly understand it) but I knew it was something special. It’s a movie that makes you think and sticks with you long after it’s over. It also has some of the most beautiful shots ever put on film.

The Fountain Shots

1. Requiem for a Dream (2000)
Requiem for a Dream
Quick story: When I was a freshman in high school a buddy and myself were in Blockbuster Video (ha, remember those) and came upon this movie with an eyeball on the cover. Without even reading the synopsis we rented it based on that alone. I watched the movie that night and it changed my life. No I wasn’t like, “man, drugs are bad, I don’t want my arm cut off”, but instead it changed the way I looked at movies. I saw a film like I’d never seen before. An unrelenting story told in an unrelenting way. The use of music and montage building to a 3rd act that will leave you gasping for air. I remember when it ended I sat on the couch while the credits rolled knowing I’d never look at movies the same way again. Up to that point movies to me were just movies, something to watch for a while and that’s it. After I watched ‘Requiem for a Dream’ I knew that movies weren’t just to be watched, but to be experienced. They could change the way you felt. They could make you look at the world, and at people, in the different way. Think of Ellen Burstyn’s character on the subway, strung out on drugs in her tattered red dress causing a scene, “They told me I’d be on television!”
Requiem 2
We’ve all seen that person in the world, on the bus or the side of the road, and it’s easy to write them off as just another crazy person. But we’ve watched Ellen Burstyn’s character transform from a beautiful and lonely mother into the crazy person on the subway, all because she just wanted to be loved. Now when I see that person in the world I can’t just write them off as just insane or a nuisance. Everyone comes from somewhere and there’s a reason for everything. That’s true art, when a film can change you way you see the world.

So there’s my list, do you agree? If you don’t agree…

Lil Dicky’s 10 Best Music Videos

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Lil Dicky has been blowing up as of late and it’s about damn time. He’s been one of our favorite rappers here at Office Tan for years now and we’re psyched that he’s finally getting some of the recognition he truly deserves. He has a pretty large back catalogue of music videos to chose from so I’m going to pick my 10 favorite Lil Dicky videos but before we get to that here are some honorable mentions:

Lion King
The Cypher
All K

Now on to my top 10 Lil Dicky music videos:

10. Professional Rapp (Feat. Snoop Dogg)

I’m starting off the list with Professional Rapper Feat. Snoop Dogg. It’s such a dope song and the only reason it isn’t higher is because it just came out. In time it will probably rise on my list. I’m psyched that Snoop is taking an interest in Lil Dicky.

9. Jewish Flow

Any video that has Hitler losing in a rap battle gets a thumbs up in my book.

8. Sports

This song isn’t one of his catchiest but the sports references are off the chart. Mark Lil Dicky down as the best sports reference maker in rap.

7. The ’90s

This one for me is more for the nostalgia it brings back. All this shit is so on point and the hook is super catchy, it gets stuck in my head all day. And not to brag but I also had some sick game on AIM.

6. Lemme Freak

The only reason this video isn’t higher on this list is only because the ending is super depressing for some reason.

5. Classic Male Pregame

I can’t even count how many times this has happened to me and my crew. I’m glad we’re not the only ones who can’t get their shit together to go out.

4. Too High

I mean we’ve all been there right. This one might hit a little too close to home for some. Also the hook is catchy as hell.

3. White Crime

With White Crime Lil Dicky just showed the world what a gangster he really is.

2. Staying In

If I hear this song on a Friday night there aint no way I’m going out to the bars or clubs. Staying in is just way more relaxing and fun, I’m just glad someone finally made a song about it.

1. White Dude

White Dude is the first Lil Dicky video I’d ever seen and I was immediately hooked. What really stood out was not only the fact that he’s making good social commentary and mixing that with hilarious jokes, but he’s doing it with some of the sickest flow. This White Dude can rap.

Do you agree with the order of my top 10 list? Cheers to you Lil Dicky, keep turning out the amazing work. Can’t wait to see where you go from here!

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Director’s Spotlight: Stanley Kubrick

(Photos from the Kubrick exhibit at the LACMA in L.A.)

My obsession with Stanley Kubrick’s work started when I was around 20 years old. But I had seen a couple Kubrick films before that and before I ever even knew who he was. Among those movies I had seen were Full Metal Jacket and Eyes Wide Shut. I remember the first half of Full Metal Jacket the most because it felt so real to me. That scene where Private Pyle completely loses his mind or R. Lee Ermey splitting those new recruits in half with some of the best insults I had ever heard. Stanley ended up making 13 films altogether during his lifetime.

killer's kiss
the killing
2001:A SPACE ODYSSEY(1968)
barry lyndon
the shining
metal jacket
eyes wide shut

Now some people might say 13 films in a career that lasted nearly 50 years doesn’t seem like much but if you look at just one of them you’ll quickly realize there’s a reason for that. Each and everyone of his movies were painstakingly researched and crafted from beginning to end. One viewing will not do a single one justice. I keep finding myself picking up on certain things I missed even after viewing them multiple times. What keeps me coming back to these films time and time again is the sense of open endedness I get when I watch them. Not everything is black and white and most of the time Stanley leaves it up to your own interpretation.

Here is an interesting video on the films of Kubrick’s that never came to be.

One experience I’ll never forget was seeing 2001: A Space Odyssey in 70mm at the Egyptian Theatre in Hollywood. I had seen 70mm before but not like this. The soundtrack to 2001 will blow you out of your seat, and possibly leave you partially deaf in the process. Here is an artist’s rendering of what that was like…
audience is now deaf
Stanley’s movies were without a doubt an experience, an experience that would grab hold of you and make it incredibly hard to look away. I think Malcolm Mcdowell might know a thing or two about that.
clock work torture
His movies were most certainly not for everyone though. If you like movies that are easily consumed and will wrap everything up by the end in a neat little box then you’re probably better off looking elsewhere. Not only do these films stand the test of time they are true works of art. My favorite quote about Stanley comes from his long time assistant and personal friend Anthony Frewin…
“Stanley had a tough time keeping up with his interests, you know? It was a full time job being Stanley”
A full time job that he worked 24 hours a day 7 days a week. Stanley was truly one of a kind and there will never be another Kubrick film, but lucky enough for us he left 13 of them for us to enjoy while he’s kicking back somewhere laughing at all of us trying to make sense out of his films.

GREAT MOMENTS IN SPORTS: Tracy McGrady 13 Points In 35 seconds

For this installment of Great Moments in Sports I want to take a look back at probably the greatest comeback in NBA history. On December 9th, 2004 Tracy McGrady scored 13 points in 35 seconds to lead the Houston Rockets to an improbable victory over the San Antonio Spurs. The Rockets had a 76-68 lead with 44 seconds to go in the game. But T-Mac wasn’t going to give up.

He started off his mind-blowing scoring outburst by nailing a 3 with 35 seconds to go.

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After getting fouled the Spurs hit 2 free throws to put the score at 78-71 with 29 seconds left. Then Tracy McAwesome dribbled up the court and pump faked Tim Duncan right out of his jockstrap to hit the and-1 3 point shot (he made the free throw to complete the 4 point play).

TMac Fake

After fouling, the spurs make the free throws and put the score at 80-75 with 16 seconds to go. Andre Barrett had the ball to inbound, and Tracy McEpic struggled to get open..

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When he finally got the ball he ran to the top of the key and shot an awkward 3 that hits the bottom of the net. The Rockets are now down by only 2, 80-78. Spurs call time out to advance to the frontcourt.

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Spurs ball, 11 seconds left, no timeouts for either team. Brent Barry inbounds to Bruce Brown who drives baseline and slips on…well, let’s just say he slips on T-Mac’s awesomeness.

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Tracy McBadass picks up the ball, drives to the other side of the court, and drains a 3 with 1.7 seconds left!

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Meanwhile Tony Parker is left standing around wondering what the hell just happened.
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Wow…Let me take a breath here. Tracy McShouldHaveGotARing was in the zone! Watch the great piece the NBA made below, and then watch the game in real time (the video cut out the Spurs free throws), but watch it and wonder how T-Mac never got a ring.

Underappreciated Movie Of The Week: THE PARENTS

The Parents poster
Year: 1989
Director: Bob Balaban
Genre: Horror/Comedy

What it’s about:
Set in the 1950s, ‘The Parents’ follows a young boy named Michael as he deals with a new school, nightmares, and his very strange parents. On the surface his parents seem normal, but Michael suspects something sinister is going on.

The Parents 2

Why you should watch it:
Parents are such a mystery to a child. You never really know who they are when you’re young. ‘The Parents’ takes that theme and runs with it..to a very dark, disturbing place.

The Parents 3

This movie is the definition of black comedy. It is expertly directed by Bob Balaban (who you’ll probably remember best from his character Russell on Seinfeld). The cast is perfect in every way, especially Randy Quaid as the most bizarre/disturbing father ever. The music, acting, and cinematography all mix together perfectly to tell this very strange, bleak story about family, trust and of course, leftovers.

Side note: my parents showed this movie to me when I was about 10 years old…what the hell were they thinking?
Go watch this movie!

My 5 Favorite Kevin Bacon Movies

Today is Kevin Bacon’s 57th birthday so in celebration we’re going to look at my 5 personal favorite Kevin Bacon movies in order of when they came out. Keep in mind these are my personal favorites, not necessarily his best.

1. Friday the 13th (1980)
Even though he already had a few credits to his name, this is where most of us first met Mr. Bacon. His character made the mistake of having sex and smoking weed in a horror movie so of course he had to be killed…with a knife through the neck in bed.

2. Planes, Trains & Automobiles (1987)
This isn’t really a Kevin Bacon movie but it’s one of my all-time favorites and he makes a quick cameo as a man racing Steve Martin to a taxi down the streets of New York.

3. Tremors (1990)
This is by far my all time favorite Kevin Bacon movie. His character Valentine lives in the tiny desert town of Perfection which comes under attack from giant underground snake monsters called graboids. I’m actually kind of embarrassed of how many times I’ve seen this movie.

4. JFK (1991)
Kevin Bacon plays Willie O’Keefe and has one of the most memorable scenes on the entire movie. “You don’t know s**t cause you’ve never been f**ked in the ass!

5. Apollo 13 (1995)
Bacon plays astronaut Jack Swigert in Apollo 13, a movie that somehow is stressful even though we all know the ending. How the hell did Ron Howard do that?!

Worth mentioning:
Up in the Air
The River Wild
Stir of Echoes
Hollow Man
Mystic River

There’s my 5 favorite Kevin Bacon movies. Do you agree with my choices or think they’re terrible? Happy birthday Mr. Bacon!!


LIST: Jackie Chan’s 15 Best Fights

I first sat down to make a list of the 5 best Jackie Chan fights and then I quickly realized that wasn’t enough. So here’s the 15 best Jackie Chan fight scenes in my opinion (which is, as always, the correct opinion). Now there are hundreds of kick ass Chan fight scenes to choose from, so if I missed one you think should be on here then let me know in the comments (and please make sure to be as rude as possible when doing so). Without further ado:

15. Rumble in the Bronx (1995) – “Gang hideout fight”
This was the first Jackie Chan movie I ever saw. I was 11 years old and at my friends house and couldn’t wait to see it. I was blow away and immediately started to try kung fu moves on my friend which subsequently got me banned from his house for a while by his mom. The use of props is what make this my favorite fight of the movie. He uses chairs, a refrigerators, bottles and skis to beat the hell to of the gang. On a side note, the gang’s fashion sense is a little questionable.

14 – 13. Armor of God (1986) – “Monk Fight” & “Amazonian Fight”
This movie is famous for being the one Jackie almost died making (I know he risks dying on most of his movies) when he jumped from a wall onto a tree branch which broke. He landed on his head which now has permanent golf ball sized hole in it. The movie itself is ok, but the Monk fight and the Amazon fight at the end are classics.

This is one of the more bizarre fights in Chan’s history, fighting 4 amazonian women in high heals and leather…ummm ok. But that doesn’t take away from the fact that the fight is amazing. Jackie gets his ass kicks thoroughly at first (actually I could say that for almost every Jackie fight I suppose) before he ends up beating those women up…um, that came out weird, forget I wrote that.

12. Who Am I (1998) – “Rooftop Fight”
This fight is a little strange only because Jackie uses hardly and props. It’s mostly full on hand to hand (and foot) fighting. But the setting on top of the roof is what sets this one apart. I’m deathly afraid of heights so watching Jackie fight inches from the edge of the roof still gives me chills.

11. Project A 2 (1987) – The “I’m not sure what to call this” Fight
So I’m not sure what to name this one, so I’ll just call it “The fight where the guy falls onto a large vase at the end”. That stunt is amazing, and looks like it was quite painful.

10. Miracles (1989) – “Rope Factory Fight”
This fight is just plain fun, even if the music absolutely ridiculous. Jackie’s use of ropes in fights is always entertaining, but none are better than this.

9. First Strike (1996) – “Ladder Fight”
You know I had to have this one on the list. It’s of his more famous fights, mostly due to his kick ass use of the ladder at the end. I really like this one because he’s mostly running away the whole time, but no one runs away better than Jackie.

8 – 7. Armour of God 2: Operation Condor (1991) – “Platform Fight” & “Wind Tunnel Fight”
This whole movie was great. Lots of great set design, great locations, great story (for a Jackie Chan film). The set design for this fight is amazing, the moving platforms is the perfect setting for Jackie to kick some ass.

The wind tunnel scene is more of a gimmick and comedy piece than a fight, but it absolutely works!

6. Wheels on Meals (1984) – “Benny the Jet Fight”
Fun fact, the reason this movie is called “Wheels on Meals” instead of “Meals on Wheels” is because the studio had previously released two movies that began with the letter M and they were large flops, so they switched the words around. Now that that’s out of the way, this is one of the two movies where Jackie Chan fights Benny “The Jet” Urquidez, and this is known as one of Jackie’s best fights of his career.

5. Dragons Forever (1988) – “Drug Factory & Benner the Jet Fight”
This is the other movie where Jackie fights The Jet. I put this higher on the list only because of the fight that precedes Jackie vs Benny squaring off. Yuen Biao is especially amazing in this scene and Sammo Hung is, well, drugged (he got his fight scene a little earlier in the movie).

4. Police Story 2 (1988) – “Factory Fight”
The Police Story movies are some of the best he’s ever made (I definitely had a crush on May when I was a kid…who am I kidding, I still do). It doesn’t get much better than when Jackie fights in a warehouse. And the two stunts when the dudes gets thrown out the window onto the roof…ouch (4:20 and 5:50 mark).

3. The Legend of Drunken Master (1994) – “Jackie vs Ken Lo Fight”
There are a couple of amazing fights in this movie to choose from such as the axe gang fight or the first fight when he gets hammered and fights for the crowd. But I chose the final fight because of the brutality. I mean c’mon, Jackie gets kicked onto burning coals (which was real btw)!

2. Project A (1983) – “VIP Club”
This fight is so spectacular in every way. It’s a perfect mix of hand to hand fighting, the use of props, and stunts. The guy that’s thrown off the balcony and tries to grab the chandelier only to hit the ground (:58 into the second video)! Holy sh… was that mistake? Project A is a super underrated movie, so if you haven’t seen it, do that right now.

1. Police Story (1985) – “Mall fight”
This to me is the epitome of a Jackie Chan fight. A fun location, lots of props, amazing fight choreography, and big stunts (oh yea, and tons of broken glass). That stunt when he slides down the pole is incredible, especially because he gets up and finishes the scene after the fall even though the skin on his hands was incredibly burned.

So there it is. My choice for the best 15 Jackie Chan fights. There are so many more that I didn’t get to put on here, but I didn’t want this list to get ridiculous. Do you agree with me? Or do you think I’m a jackass that wouldn’t know a good fight if it kicked me in the ass. Let me know in the comments.

Spike Jonze’s Skateboarding Legacy


Spike Jonze is the acclaimed director of films such as Her (Spike won the Oscar for best original screenplay), Where the Wild Things Are, Adaptation, and Being John Malkovich (Spike was nominated for Best Director). He’s also directed some of the best and most well known music videos ever like Bjork’s “It’s Oh So Quiet”, Fatboy Slim’s “Weapon of Choice” and “Praise You”, Daft Punk’s “Da Funk”, Weezer’s “Buddy Holly”, and of course Beastie Boy’s “Sabatoge”.

But if you’re even slightly involved in the skateboard wold your first thought when you hear Spike Jonze’s name is the amazing skateboarding work he’s done over the years. Spike got his start in BMX co-founding Dirt Magazine and eventually became the senior photographer for Transworld Skateboarding. Since then he’s worked on some of the best and most influential skate videos ever made. Now I’m not going to post every thing he’s done in skateboarding (because it’s a lot) but instead I’ll be posting my personal favorites. I’m going to post these in chronological order so if you want to see his newest, more technical stuff then skip to the end of the post and and work your way backwards.

Little Keenan – Mouse (1996)

R.I.P. Keenan Milton
I’m going to skip over his first couple videos and go strait to Mouse because that’s where I think Spike really started coming out as a creative genius. The special effects in this “Little Keenan” skit aren’t particularly good (it was 1996, and as Spike says in the commentary they had no idea what they were doing), but the idea is solid. And that’s what makes Spike’s work so good, it’s is the simplicity in the ideas and the fun execution.

Woods Skating – Mouse (1996)

Another skit from Mouse has Rick Howard skating through the woods. Again we have a very simple idea that’s well executed. Of course you can see the wooden planks laid down on the ground that Howard is riding on but that doesn’t take away from the skit, plus that’s the sort of mistake that Spike seemed to embrace early in his career. Why have it be perfect when it’s all about the fun.

Charlie Chaplin – Mouse (1996)

I’m going to post a few skits from Mouse because it’s one of my all time favorite videos. Here Eric Koston (one of the best skateboarders ever) and Spike have a fun take on Charlie Chaplin learning to ride a skateboard.

Brothas From Different Mothas – Mouse (1996)

Last skit from the Mouse video, I promise. I love the vibe of this shit and the fact that it has absolutely nothing to do with skateboarding at all (except the actors).

Intro – Yeah Right! (2003)

Now I’m going to skip The Chocolate Tour and jump strait into Yeah Right! The intro was filmed at 1000fps and allowed us to see all of the small imperfections of the basic flatground tricks. Nobody had seen skateboarding like this before.

Owen Wilson – Yeah Right! (2003)

Spike Jonze’s Hollywood connections helped get Owen Wilson in this one. This skit started a theme with Spike of blending some A-list actors into the skateboarding world which he continued with Jack Black and Will Arnett in Pretty Sweet.

Invisible Boards – Yeah Right! (2003)

They painted the boards green for this one and made two passes with the camera to key the boards out. What’s really impressive is the fact that they scrubbed out the board’s shadow as well.

Magic Skateboard – Yeah Right! (2003)

There’s no special effects for this one, just a fun idea. It’s so simple it makes you think, “Why didn’t I think of that!”

Synchronized Skating – Hot Chocolate (2004)

This video features an original song by Bjork (you remember Spike Jonze has directed a few of her music videos).

Fire Session – Hot Chocolate (2004)

What’s cooler than playing with fire…not much.

Intro – Fully Flared (2007)

This intro is absolutely bonkers. Spike brought in his special effects coordinator he worked with on Three Kings to do the explosions. And how about that Mike Mo switch flip at the end, talk about pressure!
Skip to the 12:20 minute mark in this next video for a cool behind the scenes look at how it was done:

Intro – Pretty Sweet (2012)

Drones where pretty new in 2012 and this is the first time I remember seeing them used in a skate video. Needless to say it blew my mind.

Jack Black – Pretty Sweet (2012)

Jack Black is hilarious as the stereotypical skate filmer.

So there’s some of my favorite Spike Jonze skateboard-related videos. The fact that this guy is a Hollywood director, actor, and oscar winning writer and still continues to work in the skateboard world where he started is amazing. You the man, Spike.

2014 Oscars - The show

“It Is So Ordered.” SCOTUS Legalizes Gay Marriage

With a beheading in France, a deadly mosque bombing in Kuwait, and people getting gunned down in a hotel in Tunisia all in the past 24 hours, it’s really refreshing to hear the news not have to talk about horrible shit for a couple of minutes.

Also, Justice Kennedy, who wrote the majority opinion in the 5-4 decision, is a poet.

“No union is more profound than marriage, for it embodies the highest ideals of love, fidelity, devotion, sacrifice, and family. In forming a marital union, two people become something greater than once they were. As some of the petitioners in these cases demonstrate, marriage embodies a love that may endure even past death. It would misunderstand these men and women to say they disrespect the idea of marriage. Their plea is that they do respect it, respect it so deeply that they seek to find its fulfillment for themselves. Their hope is not to be condemned to live in loneliness, excluded from one of civilization’s oldest institutions. They ask for equal dignity in the eyes of the law. The Constitution grants them that right. The judgment of the Court of Appeals for the Sixth Circuit is reversed.”

Why I Hate Lebron James

Let me start this off by saying that Lebron James is an incredible talent, the dude is an insanely good basketball player, one of the best in the world. Ok now that I got that out of the way let me explain why I can’t fucking stand the guy. Warning: I’m going to be extremely salty.

1. Flopping

I know this one is a little easy and he gets shit for it all the time, but he gets shit for it because it’s true! I understand he uses it as a tactic to win games, but fans don’t want to see it and it ruins the integrity of the game. We don’t want basketball to become soccer now do we? The man is 6 feet 8 inches tall and 250 pounds, and I’m supposed to believe you can be thrown around that easily? I mean c’mon Lebron, you’re just making a fool of yourself. And yes I know other players flop as well, but what makes it so annoying with Lebron is that he does it so consistently. Almost every play goes through him, so we just see him do it more than the non-superstars. So as we see from the video above he flops a lot. That’s obvious. So what’s even more infuriating than the flopping is the fact that he claims he doesn’t!

“I don’t flop. I have never been one of those guys, I don’t even know how to do it.” Really Lebron? Now you’re just insulting my intelligence. Does this guy even know that there’s replays? Does he even know there’s a thing called YouTube where people can see what you do on the court over and over? At least in game 4 of this finals series his flopping backfired and he hit his head on a camera:

2. He’s A Crybaby
LBJ Complain
Again I know this is something that all players do. All of the greats do it, from Kobe to Durant. But Lebron is the ultimate master of complaining. After every single play he complains the refs. It’s this sort of entitlement he believes he deserves which drives me nuts.

3. The League Is On His Nuts

This one probably bothers me more than anything else. If you’ve ever watched a basketball game with the volume on you might have noticed how in love the announcers are with Lebron. You can almost hear them rubbing their nipples while complimenting him.
Van Gundy Jackson
Lebron will make a fundamental chest pass and we’ll have to watch 5 slow motion replays of it while Mark Jackson and Van Gundy talk about amazing it was, and that no other player can do it, and that’s why he’s the greatest player that’s ever lived. Really guys? It was a fucking chest pass that’s made by every player all game long! Ok I get it, the NBA needs it’s superstars. They need to sell jerseys. That’s fine and all. But a few games ago after the Warriors beat the Cavs and Stephen Curry was being interviewed on the court post game, they actually played Lebron James highlights over Curry’s interview! Are you serious!? And the next morning on SportsCenter the entire day they talked about Lebron, not one mention of the team that actually won the game.
I know this isn’t really Lebron’s fault. But I want to see highlights of the game, not a Lebron stroke-fest. Quick side note, what is up with Brian Windhorst?
He’s been following Lebron since Lebron was in high school…dude that’s fucking creepy. Everytime ESPN talks about Lebron they drag this troll out of his cave to pretend to the Lebron’s best friend. When Lebron when to Miami Windhorst moved and followed him there. If I were Lebron I’d watch my back, because I can see Windhorst breaking into his house to sniff his underwear.

4. His Play Isn’t Fun To Watch:

Let me explain. For every highlight of Lebron throwing down windmill dunks on the fast break, they’re 300 plays where he holds the ball like a football, lowers his head, and goes shoulder first into the defense. 99.99% of the time there’s a foul called and we get to watch free throws…how exciting. I get why he does it, he’s 6’8, 250 and he gets the benefit of the doubt on fouls almost always. But I’d rather watch finesse and team play over a dude plowing through the lane with his head down.
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5. The Decision:

I can hear everyone now, “This happened years ago, it’s not relevant anymore.” Sorry but I can’t just forget he had an hour long special just to shit on his hometown by announcing he was going to Miami. The fucking ego on this dude to think this was a good idea. I felt bad for Cleveland. The only title to date they have is the Browns winning the NFL championship in 1964 (the first Super Bowl was in 1967). They had to watch their hometown hero give them the middle finger in The Decision, then win a couple titles in Miami. That’s fucked up.


Google Question

6. He Hates You:

Remember his first year in Miami when he lost in the finals to Dallas? Let’s take a trip down memory lane with Colbert to see how Lebron responded to losing…

If it wasn’t for fans of the game you wouldn’t even have a fucking job Lebron. Don’t forget that.

Whew, we made it. Rant over. Now before you get super pissed let me say just one more thing. I openly admit I’m a Lebron hater. I watch some games to root against him. I’m fine with that. Sports need their villains to root against. Show me someone that says they don’t root against a player and I’ll show you a dirty rotten liar. “But you’re just rooting against him because he’s good.” Well I suppose that statement is partially true. Who hates on players that suck? “Man I can’t fucking stand that Luigi Datome! Fuck that guy!” No, you’ll never hear that sentence ever. So in conclusion, yes I’m being a salty hater. And yes, fuck Lebron James.
my cramps

Underappreciated Movie of the Week: THE RUINS

The Ruins Poster

Year: 2008
Director: Carter Smith
Genre: Horror

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What it’s about:
A group of friends take a trip to Mexico. Instead of relaxing by the pool they travel into the jungle in search of an archeological dig. Everything goes great and they live happily ever after…just kidding, shit goes real bad.

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Why you should watch it:
My first thought when hearing about the ‘The Ruins’ was that it sounded like a typical cliched horror movie. While it does have some horror movie cliche’s, there’s enough originality and actual scares in this movie that the cliche’s don’t bother me. The screenplay was written by Scott B. Smith, who also wrote the novel on which the film is based (which is also great, go read it). He takes what could have been another generic ‘young good-looking people trapped in a foreign place’ story and makes it satisfyingly original.

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The young cast is great even though the characters are a little underwritten, the cinematography and location is gorgeous, and the sound design is perfect. The best part about this movie is the overall feeling of dread throughout. The gore effects are great and the squirm factor is cranked up to 11.

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So if you’re in the mood for a good original horror movie then check this one out. It’s not quite a modern classic, but ‘The Ruins’ has enough originality and scares to please any horror fan.

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Go watch this movie!

5 Best Morgan Freeman Movies

Today is Morgan Freeman’s 77th birthday, so to celebrate the occasion here’s my 5 personal favorite Morgan Freeman movies.

Honorable mentions:
Driving Miss Daisy (1989)
Gone Baby Gone (2007)
Million Dollar Baby (2004)

5: The Dark Knight (2008)
Dark Knight
Now I know most people would put this way higher on the list, and I normally would to. But the reason it’s at number 5 is because it’s not really a “Morgan Freeman movie”. It’s a Christian Bale/Heath Ledger movie, Freeman just happens to have a role in it as Bruce Wayne’s business manager Lucius Fox. But that fact that it’s one of my all-time favorites and in my opinion the absolute best comic book movie ever is the reason I had to include it on this list.

4: Lucky Number Slevin (2006)
Slevin 2 copy
I can hear you all right now collectively saying, “whaaaaaaaat?” Here me out though. To me this is a truly underrated movie. Yes, it does think it’s smarter than it actually is, but that doesn’t really take away what it has going for it. It’s one of the few movies that I actually like Josh Hartnett, Lucy Liu is freaking adorable, Bruce Willis and Ben Kingsley are baddass, and it’s one of the very few times Morgan Freeman plays a villain. That reason alone is why it’s on the list, also the movie is awesome.

Now this is where the order becomes very difficult to chose.

3: Seven (1995)
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What can I say about this movie: it’s dark, depressing, violent, and one of the best movies of all time. Morgan Freeman plays Detective Somerset, a man who’s had enough of the violence in the world he’s decided to retire only to get sucked back in for one more case. He’s perfect for the role and steals every scene that he’s in, playing the complete opposite character as Brad Pitt’s Detective Mills. Maybe opposite is not fare, but an older version of Mills. Someone who was once like Mills but had been beaten down by his job for so long he can no longer take it.

2: Glory (1989)
Glory copy
Picking between Glory and The Shawshank Redemption was a hard decision. I ultimately went with Glory at number 2 because he has less of a role in it than Shawshank. In Glory Morgan Freeman plays Sgt. Maj. John Rawlins, A Civil War soldier in the first all black Volunteer company. It’s one of my favorite movies of all time. It went on to win 3 Oscars including a best actor award for Denzel Washington for his portrayal of Pvt. Trip.

1: The Shawshank Redemption (1994)
Here’s the movie you can’t not watch every time you see it on TV. Morgan Freeman plays Red, Andy Dufresne’s best friend in the Shawshank prison. His subtle performance in this movie is perfect as you can tell there’s something else under his outward appearance of a well-liked tough guy and leader of his crew. He ended up winning the Oscar for best actor for this role.

So there’s my favorite Morgan Freeman movies of all time. Did I miss any? Do you hate my choices? If so then let us know in the comments. Happy Birthday Morgan Freeman, get busy living, or get busy dying.
freeman oscar

Some Of Dennis Rodman’s On The Court Craziness For His Birthday

Rodman has always been a loony toon. From wearing wedding dress and marrying himself to hanging out with the North Korean dictator.
Dress & Kim

He’s always been, let’s say, a little different. But that’s always what has made him insanely entertaining. Being that today’s his birthday I thought we should take a look back at some of his on the court wackiness:

Rodman kicks cameraman in the nuts:

This is probably his most famous stupid thing “The Worm” did. He was frustrated and took it out on the poor cameraman with a swift kick to the balls. Ouch.

Rodman delivers flying kick to Scottie Pippen:

Not only did Rodman deliver kicks to cameramen, he also delivered it to players. Here Scottie Pippen got Rodman in the air with a pump fake and drives the lane only to be roundhouse kicked in the chops. The craziest part is no foul was called on Rodman, the Bulls got a 24 second violation.

Rodman headbutts a referee:

This is probably his second most famous stupid thing he did. He had some disagreements with the refs and decided to let him know with a headbutt. Rodman was kicked out of the game but made sure to shed his jersey before he does.

Dennis Rodman Vs. Frank Brickowsky:

This is not really a fight, it’s just hilarious. Rodman and Sonics player Frank Brickowski get tangles up in the lane going for a rebound and Rodman tries to intimidate him on the ensuing free throws.

Dennis Rodman Vs. Shaq:

Rodman wasn’t afraid of anyone! Still to this day he’s not afraid of going to North Freaking Korea and hanging out with a maniacal dictator…so why should he be afraid of little ol’ Shaq? The best part is that he was tackled to the ground by teammates Jordan and Pippen.

Dennis Rodman Vs. Malone:

This was more comical than anything else. Rodman and Malone half trip/half flop their way up the court during the ’98 Finals.


Underappreciated Actor of the Week: Michael Biehn

What can I say about Michael Biehn? This truly underrated and under-appreciated actor should have been one of the biggest action stars in the world. Let me throw 3 movies out there and see if you agree with me.

The Terminator (1984):
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For most of us The Terminator (1984) was our first introduction to Michael Biehn when he played the Human Resistance Soldier Kyle Reese who was sent back in time by John Connor to protect his mother Sarah, and who then inadvertently became John’s father when they got freaky in a hotel room…talk about a mind fuck. Michael Biehn was incredible as Reese, playing the tough as nails marine trying to “disconnect” his emotions. Biehn took what could have been a cookie cutter character and gave him more depth and layers than he had a right to have (obviously lots of credit to writer/director James Cameron for that as well).
Side note: Michael Biehn almost didn’t get the role as Reese because he accidentally gave his audition in a southern accent.
Side note 2: Even though dying at the end of The Terminator (it’s not a spoiler, the movie is 31 years old) Biehn filmed a dream sequence for Terminator 2 which ended up being cut from the film.

Aliens (1986):
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Another movie from director James Cameron (I’m starting to sense a theme here), Michael Biehn plays another soldier (ok, I’m sensing another theme) Cpl. Dwayne Hicks. Hicks is, of course, a tough as nails marine with the heart of gold (I love the budding romance between Hicks and Ripley when he’s showing her how to use a pulse rifle, how romantic). I, along with every other person in the world, was pissed when he died in the very beginning of Alien 3! He should have survived that crash goddamn it! I wanted Hicks and Ripley to get married and have tons of the most badass children in the galaxy. Imagine them, traveling around in spaceships like a family band just killing xenomorphs everywhere they went! ugh, what could have been.
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The Abyss (1989):
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Written and directed by, you guessed it, James Cameron. The Abyss is the story of an underwater oil rig, navy seals, nuclear weapons, and aquatic aliens…oldest story in the book. Michael Biehn plays Lt. Hiram Coffey (no relation to John Coffey in the Green Mile) who is sent down with his team of Navy Seals to search for a downed nuclear submarine. Unlike the previous movies Biehn’s character doesn’t have a heart of gold in this, but instead has a tendency to cut his own wrists and send nuclear bombs at friendly underwater alien dudes. Biehn’s performance of someone suffering from “High Pressure Neurosis Syndrome” is the highlight of this amazing movie. Ok, maybe it’s his mustache that’s the highlight of the movie.

So there it is, my case of why Michael Biehn should be a name synonymous with action star. He has 100 acting credits on IMDB but his name never seems to enter the conversation of great action stars. He’s 58 years old now so that’s probably not going change, but let’s give this dude some credit.
Michael Biehn

Requiem For A Dream: 8 Things You Didn’t Know

1. Ellen Burstyn made the cinematographer cry.
One of the most heartbreaking scenes in the movie (or any movie for that matter) is when Sarah Goldfarb breaks down in front of her son when he comes to visit. Ellen Burstyn delivers an absolutely incredible monologue which easily should have won her the oscar which instead went to Julia Roberts for Erin Brockovich…that still pisses me off. If you watch that scene keep a close eye on the framing of Sarah, you’ll notice it’s not quite right. That’s because Ellen Burstyn’s performance made the cinematographer Matthew Libatique cry and fog up the camera’s eyepiece.
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2. Jared Leto and Marlon Wayans didn’t eat sugar or have sex for a month.
The performances in director Darren Aronofsky’s movies are always incredible, from Mickey Rourke and Marisa Tomei in The Wrestler to Natalie Portman in Black Swan. For Requiem for a Dream he wanted the actors to truly portray the feeling of craving. For this he asked actors Jared Leto and Marlon Wayans to follow the Tappy Tibbons routine and not eat any sugar, not eat red meat or have sex for 30 days.
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Now that’s the face of someone who needs to get laid.

3. Ellen Burstyn says that Sarah Goldfarb is her greatest acting achievement.
In February 2001 Ellen Burstyn was on the Charlie Rose show and said that playing Sarah Goldfarb in Requiem for a Dream is her best acting achievement. Not that she hasn’t had so many incredible roles (she has 417 roles to date on her IMDB), but I have to agree that this is her best performance of her long career.
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Also her most fucked up role…

4. Christopher McDonald shot all his part in one day.
Christopher McDonald (that’s shooter McGavin to you) is a very versatile actor with roles in Happy Gilmore and…um, Happy Gilmore. I’m kidding! The guy has 181 acting credits on IMDB. In Requiem for a Dream he plays Tappy Tibbons, an infomercial host preaching 3 rules to success: 1) No red meat. 2) No refined sugar. 3) No Orgasms. He appears in Requiem on TV and in one particularly messed up drug induced dream sequence:
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He’s great in the role. And what’s surprising is that he shot all of it in one day! At the end of his shooting day all of the crew and the crowd extras gave him a standing ovation. “We got a winner, I said we got a winner!”
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5. Ellen Burstyn wore a lot of prosthetics for her role.
While it might not seem like it, but Ellen Burstyn wore a lot of prosthetics and makeup for her role as Sarah Goldfarb, I mean a lot of prosthetics! She had to wear 4 different necks, 2 fat suits, and 9 different wigs. If you watch the scene where she is staring at the refrigerator through split screen you’ll notice her hand is up around her face:
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That is actually to hide the seem of the fake neck she was wearing.

6. Oranges are bad.
This might be less of a Requiem for a Dream fact and more a movies in general fact, but oranges are a bad omen. It all stared with the The Godfather where oranges indicate death or danger. In the DVD commentary, Godfather director Francis For Coppola says, “It all started out as an accident, but once we realized we had used oranges so frequently in the first movie, we used them purposefully in the others.” After that many movies made a nod to oranges, and tv shows as well. Breaking Bad anyone:
Breaking Bad Oranges copy
Requiem for a Dream makes the same nod. The truck that Harry and Tyrone try to get drugs from at the supermarket is an orange truck. I mean the dude is actually peeling oranges in the middle of a drug buy for no reason.
Oranges RFAD - small
I wonder how that worked out for everyone:
Oranges RFAD - small 2

7. Aronofsky bought the rights to a movie to recreate two shots.
In requiem for a Dream there is a beautiful overhead shot of Marion in her bathtub, which then cuts to an underwater shot of her face as she screams. It’s a gorgeous couple of shots. How did Darren Aronofsky come up with it? Well, he didn’t. It’s actually from a Japanese animated movie called Perfect Blue:
Perfect Blue - Requiem
picture source
Darren Aronofsky actually bought the remake rights to the movie so he could use those two shots.

8. Aronofsky’s dad is in the movie.
During a heartbreaking scene a strung out Sarah Goldfarb is on a train asking, “Does this train go to Madison Avenue?” One man on the train stands up and says, “You’re whack!”

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Well that man just happens to be the directors father. He also put his mom in the movie as one of the women sunbathing outside the apartments.
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10 Facts About Youtube For It’s 10 Anniversary

This year marks the 10th anniversary of YouTube. So let’s dive in and take a look at 10 quick facts about the video-sharing website (according to wikipedia).

1. YouTube was founded by 3 friends, Chad Hurley, Steve Chen, and Jawed Karim, who worked for PayPal.

2. There are different stories of how the idea for YouTube came about. One story claims that they wanted to share videos of a dinner party at Chen’s apartment and were having trouble doing so. Another story claims Karim wanted to share Janet Jackson’s wardrobe malfunction from the 2004 Super Bowl. So the next time you watch a YouTube video make sure to thank Janet Jackson’s nipples.
Janet Jackson and Justin Timberlake Reuters 1

3. The early offices for YouTube were above a pizzeria and a Japanese restaurant in San Mateo, California. How luxurious.

4. The first YouTube video was entitled “Me at the zoo” and was uploaded by co-founder Jawed Karim on April 23rd, 2005. You can still watch the video and it currently has almost 20 million views…it’s quite riveting.

5. Over 300 hours of videos are uploaded every minute. That’s a lot of cat videos.

6. It is estimated that YouTube revenue in 2008 was $200 million, according for Forbes magazine.
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7. YouTube’s name was very similar to another site, www.utube.com (Universal Tube & Rollform Equipment) which led to a lawsuit.
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8. Google bought YouTube in October of 2006 for a pants-shitting $1.65 billion in Google stock. You can accurately say that the creators of YouTube are quite rich.

9. YouTube is known for it’s pranks on April Fools which have included every video on the main page being re-directed to Rick Astley’s “Never Gonna Give You Up”, and clicking on a video made the entire page turn upside down. Wow, such ballsy pranksters they are.
Rick Rolled

10. There are some countries where YouTube is banned. They are, not surprisingly, China, Iran, Pakinstan, and Turkmenistan. Other countries have banned YouTube for a short period. These include Thailand, Australia, Morocco, Turkey, Libya, Bangladesh, Egypt, Russia, Sudan and Afghanistan.
Youtube Ban

YouTube is such a staple of our culture that it’s hard to imagine when it wasn’t around. It gives a voice to anyone and everyone. So let’s celebrate what youtube has contributed to the world by watching this woman give a massage to an opossum:

Why David Letterman Is The King Of Late Night

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I grew up watching Dave. My parents would tape it on the VCR (I know, I’m old) and we’d watch him as a family every afternoon. So it pained me when the other day I was talking to some young whipper-snapper and he says Dave is just an unfunny grumpy old man. I’ve watched him recently and it’s sad to say it’s kind of true now. He’s pretty much phoning it in. But the man is 68 years old, cut him some slack! So I decided to go back and find some classic remote segments to prove Dave will always be the Kings of late night.

Dave brings his new bosses a fruit basket:
To put it mildly Dave had a salty relationship with NBC. I won’t go into the details, but let’s just say he hates everything about the network. So when General Electric bought NBC 1986 Dave thought it would be a great idea to bring his new bosses a fruit basket. It didn’t go well at all:

Dave didn’t work for NBC for much longer…

Dave works at Taco Bell:
For some reason Dave had a fascination with fast food. Here he is working the drive through window at Taco Bell.

Dave’s best lines:
“I have to know what kind you want ma’am, so I can tell you we’re out of it.”
“Wait a minute, I’m not exactly a computer.”
“Well my parents were both rude, maybe I got it from them.”
“Medium relative to what.”

And asking people to order food for him…classic!

Dave works at McDonalds:
Another classic bit with Dave working the drive though.

Dave’s best lines:
“I heard that Ronald McDonald was gay.”
“We’re completely out of hamburgers. I forgot to get to the market.”
“The food will always be ready. Are you read?”
And he actually got a guy to go to the grocery store and buy him a bag of onions.

Dave bothers people at McDonalds:
Did I mention Dave had a fascination with fast food?

Dave’s best lines:
“Has the shake machine ever gone nuts and killed a guy.”
“They seemed kind of dimwitted to me.”
“If we wanted to we could snuff Sweden out like that, but we won’t. We’re very friendly.”

Dave and Rupert annoy people:
Rupert Jee was the owner of the Hello Deli that was next door to the Ed Sullivan theatre, and he was involved in some of the best segments of the show. And yes he really worked at the Hello Deli, I bought a Coke from him once.

Dave’s best lines:
“Son of a bitch is a hollin mother aint it?”
“I’ll drop you like a bag of dirt.”
“Would you like to touch the pumpkins?”

Dave’s best lines:
“You buy a magazine I’ll take off my pants.”
“Who are you, Martha Stewart.”

Larry “Bud” Melman welcome people at a bus station:
The best part of Larry Melman is that he always pulled the microphone away from his face at the end of every sentence .

Letterman and Zsa Zsa Gabor eat fast food:
Did I mention that Dave really liked fast food?

Dave interrupts the Today Show:
“I’m not wearing pants!”

You can’t watch these segments and tell me that Dave’s comedic timing and delivery isn’t the best in the business. He’s stepping down next month (May 20th), and it will be the end of an era. Let’s end this by watching some highlights from his 10th anniversary show:

How Mr. Robot Won Me Over, Then Lost Me

I was pretty excited about USA’s new show Mr. Robot. I’d heard some great reviews for it and I was even ready to look past the fact that it aired on the USA network. So last night I made some popcorn, filled a glass of whiskey and sat down on my couch ready to be blown away. At first it was OK, nothing great, but still pretty good. I like the actor (Rami Malek) who plays the main character, Eilliot. Seeing Christian Slater as the bum on the subway was pretty cool too (I’m guessing he’s not actually a bum, just a hunch).


So a little bit into the show our main protagonist was at a therapy session. She asks him, “What is it about society that disappoints you so much?” which prompts Elliot to go into a tirade about “counterfeit” cultural icons. Now I’m intrigued. Let’s see where he goes with this I thought. He starts with Steve Jobs pointing out that he made Billions from child labor sweat camps. Well that’s true, Apple does do that and no one seems to want to stop it as long as our iPhones are cheap.

Jobs - labor

Ok, I’m with you so far Mr. Robot. Next up was Lance Armstrong. Yep, that dude took PEDs his entire career and lied about it. Although Armstrong also raised a butt-load of money for cancer research, so this one is a stretch. But he did actually sue people who tried to come out with evidence against him before he finally admitted it.

Lance - drugs

Then came the Bill Cosby shot. I let out a long “Oooooo” when I saw that. Bill Cosby, it turns out, is a complete piece of shit that rapes women, which ruins everyone’s childhood who grew up watching him like myself.

Bill Cosby

Mr. Robot so far is killing it, calling out people who profit off of child labor and sweat camps to rapists of women. Then came the shot that ruined my enjoyment and excitement for this show. Tom Brady. They actually threw in a show of Tom Brady next to Bill Cosby. Really guys? You just compared Child Labor and Rape to a guy that might have thrown under-inflated footballs. Hell, they can’t even prove Brady did that. And that’s where this show lost me.

Mr Robot - Brady

I know this shot probably made a lot of Tom Brady haters go, “Yea, fuck Brady”. And maybe that’s why it was included. Now it might be a little unfair to completely dismiss an entire series off of one quick shot, but I couldn’t get past it. It irked me. This scene was the setup of the main character and therefore the entire show. And it showed that our main character, our narrator of this world, can’t distinguish between rape and air pressure in footballs. Sorry Mr. Robot, you had me and then you lost me just as quick. That is why I’ll never watch Mr. Robot again. I have many better shows to spend my time watching like Hannibal, Game of Thrones, and True Detective. So goodbye Mr. Robot.
A viewer with common sense